Movies

Published on December 21st, 2016 | by Brando Quiring

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Brando’s Two Days of Killmas

Brando looks at two holiday movies that show you that no matter how bad your family time is going, things can always get much worse.

Christmas is a time of family and togetherness, when we close out the year by spending time with the people we love and watching great, classic Christmas specials from our youth. Rudolph, Frosty, Charlie Brown, and The Grinch are just a few of the classic holiday specials people will make a point to catch every year. So people include feature length movies as well, such as National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Muppet Christmas Carol, or Love Actually.

What about those of us who shy away from the sentimental but still want to get in on the holiday fun?  To them I offer the chance to celebrate with two of my annual holiday fare.

Krampus

krampus

First off, we have the 2015 demon-filled Christmas parable that teaches us that no matter how bad your holidays are going, they can always, always get worse.

The story follows a young man who feels his family isn’t up to par and so he inadvertently ends up summoning a demonic entity who brings his sackful of (literally) killer toys and an army of twisted, depraved elves to the neighborhood to wreck up the place. For a more detailed and comprehensive look at this modern masterpiece of festive fantasy, check out my full review right here but suffice it to say, Krampus is a great Christmas watch for the entire family. Unless your family dislikes fun and/or is afraid of crazed jack-in-the-boxes.

Santa’s Slay

santa-slay-poster

That happy piece of holiday fun aside, let us talk about my very favorite Christmas movie in the history of Christmas movies: Santa’s Slay, staring famed pro wrestler and car enthusiast, Bill Goldberg. He plays a demented, homicidal Santa Claus, who travels to Hell Township to kill people as he pursues the family of an old enemy, following 1000 years of being forced to bring presents and joy to children all around the world, which he thinks is bullshit because Christmas should actually be about murder and terror…right?

With some surprising cameos and a very tongue-in-cheek script, Santa’s Slay is a super fun way to kill a couple of hours of the holidays. We follow the misadventures of our hero, Nicolas and his sort-of love interest, Mac, as they try to stay ahead of Santa until Christmas is over and he loses his powers before returning to the North Pole for another year. This struggle has us visiting a Jewish sandwich shop, the most impressive small town strip club I have ever seen, a deserted school and an abandoned skating rink, all of which provide just the right amount humor and suspense to keep you engaged until the explosive finale.

So many of the dead-meat characters are funny and memorable, but not so memorable that you don’t want to see Santa feed them to his super cool man-eating buffalo. Like the old lady who has had enough of the politically correct Christmas talk, the greedy preacher, and the whole opening scene family who set the tone of the film with their wacky antics.

While supremely entertaining, the show is not without its flaws. It was clearly filmed on a budget is headlined by an ex-pro wrestler who is not named Roddy Piper. It should be clear that not all of the performances are top drawer, but that doesn’t keep the jokes from landing or the wacky violence from being entertaining. Goldberg might not be a great actor but he clearly is having a lot of fun in his role and really radiates through every shot he is a part of, and it makes him the runaway best part of the movie. The fun Bill is having is the same type of fun I have when I watch the show, sort of gleeful love for mayhem and festive holiday stuff that one can only really experience sitting under a blanket in front of the television with a nice cup of hot chocolate, rocking a kickass holiday movie marathon that is capped off by some of my great suggestions!

Have a safe and merry Christmas, everyone!

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About the Author

is an aspiring writer and all around good guy whose interests include giant robots, things that go bump in the night, spicy food, and smaller robots. He believes that through his studies of life around him and his contributions to it, he will some day save the world.



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