Author: Brando Quiring
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Secret of Mana
Square-Enix reaches back in time to ruin Brando’s childhood with a remake of Secret of Mana that does nothing to grow its fun gaming legacy. Hollywood is full of remakes. Typically, that is as awful as the new technology that permeates movies these days, and it often sucks the soul out of the original, leaving…
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Martyrs (2008)
A horror film review, wherein Brando gets really mad about the 2008 movie, Martyrs, from the New French Extremity Movement. Ah, the cinema of trangression. Editor’s Note: Caution! Here there be spoilers! I watch movies that are pretty messed up sometimes. I do it on purpose and I really don’t know why. For the…
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Annabelle: Creation
Annabelle: Creation is a prequel to a spinoff or whatever, and yet, it manages to rise above its roots to actually be something worth watching. Let me start by saying that I hate prequels. I think they are lazy and the vast majority of them end up hurting the movies they are meant to explain…
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It
More than two decades after the TV movie, Stephen King’s ‘It’ is back with a theatrical version that has broken the box office wide open. In 1990, a much younger Brando sat down with his friends to watch what would become one of the first flicks to ever scare him: Stephen King’s It. It didn’t give…
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The Gallows
Brando finally catches up with The Gallows, which he had heard good things about. Brando, you are about to discover the horror of raw disappointment. A couple a years ago I remember a few of my friends asking me if I had seen The Gallows, a (then) new horror flick the apparently looked super great…
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Scream Queens
Brando seems to really like Fox’s horror comedy, Scream Queens. Like, a lot. Like, too much. Um…no one tell him it got cancelled, okay? If someone were to tell me that the only way to save the universe from total destruction at the hands of some kind of ooze-based alien life form, was for me…
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Get Out
The directorial debut from Key and Peele’s Jordan Peele’s, Get Out, is a sleeper of a satirical horror movie that’s been lighting up movie audiences. I watched the trailer for Get Out and thought to myself, “I’ll bet I would enjoy that.” If you watch the trailer and think the same thing, then I highly recommend this…
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A Cure for Wellness
A Cure for Wellness seems to set you up for an ‘asylum’ movie you’ve seen before, then pulls the rug out from under those expectations. Let me begin by saying that I very much enjoyed watching A Cure for Wellness. Let me follow that up by saying that at first, I had absolutely no idea what…
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The Rezort
On Netflix, you’ll find The Rezort, yet another zombie movie (meeting with Jurassic Park), which has some good ideas but could have been much better. I have been burnt out on zombie movies. I think they are all the same and in general they are in no way interesting to me. So when I saw…
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Split
M Night Shyamalan went from being master of the twist to master of the garbage pile. Does his new movie, Split restore him to glory? Oh, M. Night, it seems you have finally turned the corner following the absolute tragedies that were Avatar: The Last Airbender and After Earth, and have returned to making some…